Please pray with me...
Father, I abandon myself into your hands;
Do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you.
I'm ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.
Into your hands I commend my soul.
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.
Now that you've read through the prayer of abandonment, do it again, but slower. Consider each statement. Do you mean it? Do you really mean it... at your core? I want to... but it's not an easy prayer. At least not for me. It's my "goal" prayer. One of those things where if you say it enough, maybe it'll become reality.
But why is it such a hard prayer? I don't doubt God is real or that He loves me. So why?
For me, it's a fear of abandonment. Abandoning all of the things I want to do or doing things the way I want to do them.
However, there are times when I do abandon myself completely. And, looking back, those are the times when I've found the most peace and joy in my life. Let me stop long enough to clarify that when I say joy, I don't mean happiness. I've found tremendous joy in some of my worst periods of suffering. Joy, for me, means that I truly trust God's power and that He will use whatever is happening to me, good or bad, to bring me closer to Him... If I let Him.
So, why don't I just go "full in" and give up my life to Him? As I sit and type this, the first thing that rises up in my mind is TRUST. I've truly encountered Christ many times in my life but, for some reason, maybe I don't truly trust that all of it is true. Now there's a sobering thought.
I can see changes in me. My trust in Him is growing, but how prideful is it of me to not trust Him in the first place? He created everything! Including me. And for what purpose? Simply to love us! Wow!
I wish to do your will, but I'm weak and get in the way. Replace my heart with yours Lord, for I don't love others the way you want me to. And I don't accept your graces the way I should. My lack of trust in you is my flaw. But I do know you love me and I thank you for that. Help me to grow so when I pray the prayer of abandonment, I truly mean it!
I love you Lord.